I am hurting over here. There is no way to sugarcoat it. Every treatment seems to bring new challenges. Each one is worse than the next.
I am barely functioning.
The boys are at day camp and doing well. I’ve been lovingly calling them my daycare kids. See, I have always been home for them at least part-time. My kids have had a regular babysitters through their lives but mostly, especially in the summer, they are with me. And that is how we like it. That has been our plan. Do I even need to say that this is not a judgement on others? Because it totally isn’t. I made a choice long ago and this is how I like my life. Hanging out with my kids in the summer is one of my favorite things ever. We cook, we garden, we go on minitrips to the beach and other glorious CA locals. We have nice summers. We watch tv. We read books. We swim. We roast marshmallows. They play tennis. We ride bikes. We hike. We play. Our summers are usually idyllic. And I am fully aware of how lucky I am to be able to spend the last 12 summers with my children.
And now I am barely hanging out with anyone at all. I’m in my room, feeling like crap.
Extended care. My kids are signed up for Extended Care at many of their camps. Because Extended Care beats hanging out with hairless, nauseated, barely able to lift her head up sick mama any day of the week.
No cookies are baking in the oven. The kiddie pool got put out on the street. There is no fun happening at our house unless Daddy is facilitating it and Daddy’s got to work.
I am so very sick. No kid needs to be around that.
I have to say though, both boys are exhausted. They come home TIRED. We chill in front of the tv for a bit and then it’s bed time. Then they get up and do it all over again and I stay home in bed missing them. Those two boys I love so much.
Feel sorry for me, not them. So far, they are ok.
This summer, my boys are making comic books, going on animal adventures, learning to fish, making spaceships, doing science, having fun with physics. Heck, the oldest is even going to Band Camp.
These boys are busy. And yes, it is costing us some dough but it’s cheaper than a nanny when you break it all down and my big hope is that those two monkeys can escape this summer relatively unscathed by my illness during treatment.
And all of you who are like me. Don’t judge the Daycare Kids. I don’t. But I never did. Sometimes, it’s the only thing a Mama can do to keep everybody sane.
July 4, 2013 at 9:49 am
I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time! I wish there was something I could do to make it better. 😦 You are doing what you need to do to get rid of this horrible thing. It’s not easy; it sucks. You are such a brave and strong woman that I’ll bet some of us forget how difficult your journey is. It’s ok to not be a Pollyanna. You deserve to feel whatever it is you feel. And we will support and love you.
July 6, 2013 at 3:09 am
Sorry you are missing out on all your usual summer fun. It’s really ,really had to be positive all the time when all those chemicals are flowing around killing any stray cancer cells as well as many other healthy cells. Hope the holiday cheered you a little.
July 8, 2013 at 9:09 pm
Beth, your boys are in fun camps. You are making sure they are safe and entertained and cared for while you need to rest. It kind of sounds like you feel guilty but that’s nothing to feel guilty about. Next year you can go back to dreamy summers full of blowing dandelions and chasing fireflies and all that. So tell yourself you are a smart mom who makes good decisions for your children and don’t give it another thought.
July 23, 2013 at 7:52 am
I think stoicism is over valued. Sure there is a time and a place for it but honesty is way better! I had an ovarian tumor when we lived in Germany (thank God no cancer!). I was in a Catholic hospital. One of my doctors was a nun who had spent most of her career setting up health clinics for women in Africa. She told me how she didn’t appreciate American stoicism. She thought we could all use a lot more honesty in our culture. I actually liked her perspective. You can’t really deal with something if you aren’t willing to face the truth of it – the whole truth. I have always loved your honesty Beth – even when it bugged me or offended me. Beth keeps it real and we can all count on that. Keep on keep’n on my friend.
July 24, 2013 at 11:35 am
yep I know that feeling. I can so identify with your post. I was/am home and feeling crummy with the post pnemonia blood clots in my lungs and bummed tailbone I had guilt immense guilt over being sick and not taking Wendy to do “fun things” this summer but I cant drive get Dizzy from low lung volume/blood thinners and just do what I can and decided her being away at my sisters for a week and now doing camp is OK. my husband works 60 hour a week and drive her to camp picks her up comes home eats dinner helps with bedtime routine then goes back to work. Some days I feel good and can say take a small walk or see a movie or a craft but i cant drive and I worry about taking a walk with her alone and falling. SO she is at camp all day everyday a variety of camps with aftercare. I am grateful. I am also grateful she comes home tired wiped out tan hungry with lots of stories about camp and what she did that day. Shes doing crafting, sewing sports having fun and swimming. Much better then being home in the house watching tv alone with me. It making me a better mom a well mom. Our school starts August 28th and most camps end on the 9th. Not sure what we will do then but hoping things work out and I feel better. I hope you feel better too. Life threatening serious illnesses are no fun I am following your blog and praying for you too… take it one day at a time girl. Hugs xoxo