Waiting for Savasana


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And Sometimes There is Weirdness

We all know that a major illness can bring out the best and the worst in people.  It can also bring out weirdness.

People say and do weird things and as long as it it not hurtful, it usually doesn’t bug me. I often laugh at it.

My friend who has been through this cancer stuff told me early on to expect people to abandon me.  She said they would say they were going to be there for me but then disappear about half-way through.

Have we had that happen?  I don’t know.  I kind of just want to be left alone at the moment.  I am glad people are not banging down my door.  My husband and kids and those friends in my *inner circle* have not abandoned me so I’m good.  Heck many in my outer and middle circles are still keeping in touch.  It doesn’t take much to keep me happy.

Like my husband has said, I am not always a big fan of *people* anyway.  Don’t get me wrong, I like people but I also like my privacy.

There is a woman who for YEARS stalked me.  She was relentless.  She made up stuff about me and my kids.  She was always parannoying about me and what I was doing.  She followed us around to the places we would go.  The worst was the rumors she would start about me.  The last rumor (but by far not the worst) being that when we had moved to our current home six years ago, we’d had a housewarming party and not invited people, when in fact we were to lazy/tired/antisocial to ever have a housewarming party.  This person called good friends of mine and told them I’d had a party and not invited them. Then they started calling me and I had some explaining to do.  Can you imagine having to deal with that crud on top of just moving?!  Those friends and I, we laughed and laughed…awkwardly.

Anyway, I always told my husband that my stalker had a definite misconception of me as a person.  I’m not very social nor do I care to be.  I spend most nights in my pajamas with a good book.  The joke is on her.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being invited to parties and whatnot, it’s just I often don’t go.

It IS nice to be invited though.

But to get back to the point, things are pretty quiet around here but I do not in any way feel abandoned.  I’m sick.  It’s summer.  People have things to do.  The world does not revolve around me.  I get it.  I’m cool.

I don’t even want to be a part of this.  I never did.

The stalker?  Oh yes.  She tried making contact.  And if I didn’t want to talk to her when I was healthy, why would I want to talk to her when I am sick?  Really?!

Facebook is a funny thing.  I have gotten some new friend requests.  Some I have accepted.  Some I have not.  One was a former friend of mine who dumped me several years ago.  This was a person I once cared deeply for and then suddenly, nothing.  She even stopped sending holiday cards.  It was hurtful.  We have mutual friends on Facebook and have never friended one another.  One day, after my diagnosis I get a friend request and a message.  Heard about my diagnosis and wants to follow along.  Hmm.  Huh?  All I can say is

Photo Courtesy of Grumpy Cat and JediGunship

Seriously?  I haven’t heard from you in years and NOW you want to follow along with my “cancer story”?  Why?  So you can watch me die and say you were my friend?  That is gross.

If you sincerely want to be my friend again, get off your tush and stick a card in the mail.  Offer to pick my kids up from school.  Come over and sit with me for a morning.  I’ll even make the tea. You could even pick up the phone and call me, texts are good too.  I like texts.  You want to “follow my story”?  Why?

Sister, I am not that kind of cancer patient.

And anybody who knows me even a little, should know that.

Creeped me right out.

I don’t know.  I like attention just not too much of it. And I am so, so very sick.  And honestly, my illness is really not about anybody but me.  I have no qualms being a grumpy cat when I need to.

Look, I know we are part of this voyeur nation but I don’t feel like being a part of some twisted reality tv show.  If you want to “follow my story” and not actually be my friend I guess you can read my blog.  Just remember, comments are moderated.

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Lots To Do

Wow.

I’ve been a busy bee.  I met with my “Nurse Navigator” yesterday for 3 hours.  Got the lowdown on what they know from my pathology report and what to expect.  It scares the heck out of me.

One ray of light is that the tumor is “normal differentiated” which means it is slow growing.  Fingers crossed… and toes.  I don’t know much else about the tumor itself.  Not all of the pathology has come in yet.  Ugh.

Tomorrow I get an MRI then meet with the plastic surgeon and then we are meeting with the oncologist.

Yes. I am scared.  During the day I can handle it.  Night time is tough.  I wake up and I am sad and terrified.  There’s nothing like being faced with one’s own mortality to really freak you out.

But life goes on.  And I still need to make dinners and take kids to appointments and get things done.

Telling people is also exhausting.

This is really, really hard.