Waiting for Savasana

The Rollercoaster of Fear


Gosh, this blog is depressing, isn’t it?  And what a title, eh?

But that is how I’ve felt about all of this from the moment that Radiologist was about to do my surprise biopsy on April Fool’s Day (of all days) and asked me, “Are you ready?”.

Even though I wasn’t I nodded and she stuck the amazingly long needle into me.

It’s been downhill ever since.  Most days I’m ok with that.

You know what freaks me out?  When I do a search online of something like, “When will my eyelashes grow back?” and I end up in some cancer forum and and I’m reading an old thread from like 2007 and someone has written something helpful and their signature reveals a secret history of sorts.  One minute they were the same stage as me and got the same treatment as me and then the next thing they knew, just a couple of months later, they were Stage IV…and then I can see that the person with the helpful advice is gone. I mean, they are really gone.  Long gone.

And that scares the crap out of me.

I have to remind myself that that person isn’t me.  At least not today.  And not tomorrow either.

The rest, I have to leave up to the universe.  Cancer will teach you that you have no control over anything, but at the same time, you really have control over anything you want.

I get to choose everything, even when it feels like there is no choice.

But really THE UNIVERSE is in control.

I know I’m not making sense.

It sounds crazy.  It sounds like I’ve lost my mind but this is a moment of clarity.  Fear and worry will do me no good.  The only thing I can do is take the helpful advice from a long dead woman who walked a road very similar to mine and keep moving as long as I can.

We have an old drawer full of CD’s from the ’90’s.  I’ve been listening to Indigo Girls.  Remember them?  This song “Virginia Woolf” reminds me of how I feel writing this.  I like the idea of a “kind of a telephone line through time”.  I miss the ’90’s.

I could only find this version because the videos of them singing live…umm…anyway, dontcha just love them Indigo Girls?  I do.

I remember I saw them at Lillith Fair with my pal Heather and they were pretty good.

Anyway, I hope this rollercoaster of fear leads to a place of calm.  Today, that is all I can do, think, meditate and hope.



2 thoughts on “The Rollercoaster of Fear

  1. It doesn’t sound crazy at all, Beth. The universe is in control, but you are also in control – of how you respond to this bad thing that you’re going through. The fact that you have looked this b@$tard in the eye, and are determined to keep moving and not let it get you? The words that come to mind are: strong, bad-ass, determined. I don’t think I can say too often how thankful we are that you choose to share your thoughts with us. Here’s to a day of calm among the craziness. ❤

  2. Love the Indigo Girls, love the 90s, and to paraphrase Swami Chetanananda, Love yourself and love your life. Or as a wise old woman told me once, “Be kind to your (own) behind.” The Swamei says, you don’t have to like everything in your life but you can still love it. Of course, you don’t like your illness and the treatments. Your blog is just an expression of your current circumstance, which is tough, tough, tough. And you are doing a whale of a good job toughing this out. The Hindus call the state of Savasana…Bliss. Nothing depressing there from my point of view. Praying for new eyelashes and renewed strength for you, sweet Beth.

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