Waiting for Savasana



Chemo starts tomorrow.  I am scared.  I am making myself stop reading the internet.  It’s strange.  People getting the same chemo regimen have different side effects.  It seems some get sick on Day 3, some get sick on Day 5.  Some can’t get out of bed, others can function.  I don’t understand how it can be such a different experience for people.

Of course, I am fully expecting to get hit hard.  I am hoping I don’t but I am expecting it.

My kids both got a nasty stomach bug.  The eldest came down with it early Friday morning.  It was bad.  Lot’s of sickness.  Then it was over.

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I heard the youngest talking in his sleep and moaning.  Uh oh.  I hoped he wasn’t getting it.  He did.

Violently ill for most of the night that boy.  My husband took care of it all.  I felt bad.  I can’t risk getting sick.  Right now, I am sitting here typing with a mask on.

We have some bad luck.

My friend arranged for cleaners to come.  They will be here while I am getting chemo.  At least I will have a clean house to come home to.

Today, we are tidying.  I took down all of the “Get Well” cards from the mantle and window sill so they can be cleaned.  Wow! I got a lot of cards.  Some people sent me two cards.  One person sent me three.

All I can say is, Thank you, thank you.  Those cards have given me a lot of comfort and hope.  Words can not describe how grateful I am for the support I have received.  I plan to do something crafty with those cards but for now I have them in a pretty bag in my room.  I feel happy just thinking about them.

I really have nothing to write today other than that I am very scared…and worried.  But I know this is just something I have to get through. Just like everything else.

A part of me is still hoping I wake up from this very bad dream.

Tomorrow, I will put on my big girl pants and go sit in a chair and take my medicine.  If you can, please think of me.


10 thoughts on “Tomorrow

  1. Will be thinking of you all day, Beth. Please know that we are all with you during this fight. I had a dream last night that I had a bug in my house that kept running away, and I got out a rolling pin (OK, I don’t even own a rolling pin) and kept hitting at it until I smashed it dead. This afternoon I decided that bug was your cancer, and it has no chance. Much love.

  2. Beth, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and every day. Stay strong. You will get through this! Lots of love to you and your family!

  3. Beth – you are loved so much. As bad as the chemo side effects can be, you can handle them, hell, you have run a marathon!!! You are an amazing person, you have already won battles against cancer, you will win this too! Stay strong. I’ll be thinking of you and praying. I don’t know the side effects, but if you need help getting through any of them I will be there.

  4. “You know,” my eldest said in the car today, “Aidan’s family is really tight.”

    “They are,” I agreed.

    “They’ve had to be,” he said. “What with Riley’s birth and Beth and all.”

    We were quiet for a while, thinking of you and all you’re facing and have faced.

    “I’m glad we got that wig,” he said. “It’s playful. Playful is good.”

    I agreed again. Playful is important. My dearest hope for you that you still be able to find some of that playfulness, that it can sneak up on you and ambush you in the best possible way over the next weeks.

    I’ll be thinking of you. Years ago I sat with an old friend while he got his chemo. I have a very real picture of you in my head, in his place. I’m going to hold onto that for you. And I’m going to paste in some silly jokes, and some unexpected humor, and some laughter and some tears.

    You’re in our hearts. All of you.

  5. So many people love you and will be sending you a boat-load of good vibes tomorrow and throughout this whole process. ❤ ❤

  6. Beth, everyday I see people coming into the office scared to death because they are starting their chemo. Then everyday I see those same people walking out much relieved because it wasn’t nearly as bad as they thought it was.

    My advice is to not take any side effect lying down. If your anti-nausea drugs aren’t doing the trick, ask for better ones. If you are in pain, get something for that. The only thing that the docs can’t help with is fatigue and hair loss. Everything else can be managed.

    If I had to do it all over again, and I dearly hope that I don’t, the one thing that I would do differently is that I would worry less. I stressed myself out so much about fear of the unknown and usually those things didn’t happen. Or if they did, I managed them then but I regret the time I lost to worrying about the future instead of enjoying today.

    You’ll be great. It won’t be nearly as bad as you think it is. That doesn’t mean that it’s okay because it isn’t. Cancer sucks and I’m sorry that you have to do through this but you’ll still manage everything that this stupid thing will throw at you.

  7. Beth, I will be thinking of you, and have been thinking of you each and every day. I dread tomorrow for you too. It will be scary and you will face it and you will find your strength. You are surrounded physically or mentally by so many caring people! We are all rooting for you!!!!!

  8. Remember everyone is a snowflake and has a different reaction to chemo…. we learned this again and again with Mateo. Mateo has lots of good advice for the “puking” (the boy has a way with words)…. Zofran, of course is the best stuff. He also liked to sniff essence of lavender (they recommend mint but he hates anything mint)…. we soaked put it on cotton balls in a little box he could crack open and sniff, and he also recommends distraction… ok his recommendation is video games but you might have something else that is distracting ;-D, Then there of course is sleeping, he did it with the help of Benadryl, and he also said the most important thing to remember is Breathe…. deep relaxing breathes. Two cents from my Cancer warrior

    We will be thinking of you tomorrow … it is scary but you are strong and are loved and will beat this

    Traci and Mateo

  9. Hoping the infusions all went in without a hitch. Sending healing energy your way. Hugs.

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