Waiting for Savasana

Wow

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There are so many things to say WOW about today.  Want to hear the weirdest one?  Well, it’s not really weird.  Just weird for me.  I took a look at right boob today and holy crow it’s turned yellow.  A bright sunshine yellow.  My right breast is a perfect sunrise.  It’s practically day-glo.  That biopsy got me good.

I told my husband I just wish the radiologist had warned me the biopsy would make a huge *CLICK* when she took the sample.  I was all relaxed and happy that I hadn’t felt what I assumed was a giant needle (I didn’t look, I’m chicken) being inserted into my breast.  It didn’t hurt at all and then *CLICK* she clicked it while it was in my boob and it scared me enough to make me jump.  And that’s how I think I got so bruised.

My husband told me I have to stop blaming myself whenever anything happens.  He thinks I’m just fair skinned and would have been bruised regardless.

Who knows.

Well…I might have found out but I didn’t need to.  See, the MRI found a little action going on in the left breast and my oncologist wanted me to go for another ultrasound and, if necessary, another biopsy.

I was having coffee with my good pal when my husband called and told me the Nurse Navigator had called and I was to skeedaddle back up to the imaging center for more ultrasound fun.  You know, I liked ultrasounds a lot better when I had them on my belly and got to see my kids waving at me from inside.  I’d take that over a boob ultrasound any day.  Yeesh.

When I got there some hurried woman took me in and then the same lady who did my first ultrasound on old rightie came in to do leftie.  “Oh Hello.” I said, like we were old friends.

Needless to say, they didn’t find anything.  And they looked for a looooooonnnnngggg time.  So no biopsy.  I guess that’s good.

After that little ordeal, I went and helped at my kids’ school Walk-a-Thon.  It was fun but I felt like a phony.  Like I was pretending to be a healthy person.

I feel mostly ok except for a thobbing right boob.

I have this one friend though who I saw at the Walk-a Thon.  We started standing together at pick up way back when our kids were in Kindergarten.  We stood together and talked every single day for three years straight through to the end of second grade.  My family then left for a couple years but returned to the school last month.  The first day I go to pick my boys up and who is standing there all by her lonesome but my old pal M.  We picked up right where we left off.  Like no time had passed at all.  Now that’s a friend.

So I told her about my diagnosis at the Walk-a-Thon and she got teary and hugged me.  I didn’t want to make her teary but I also needed to tell her.  It’s all surreal.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.  I just know I can’t keep it a secret.  I don’t do secretive well anyway.

My friend gave me good advice about setting an example for my kids.  She’s a crack up.  I like people who don’t b.s. and my friend M is no B.S.er.  I love my friends.  Hey, at this point, I love my acquaintances.  I need all the love I can get.  Post diagnosis, I’m a love monster.

And speaking of love…the biggest WOW for me has been the amazing response I have received from friends and family near and far.  Lots and lots of love to go around.  Several of my friends ran marathons this weekend.  And a couple of them dedicated their runs to me.  I’m an honoree!  It’s crazy!

See, I’m used to running marathons in honor of others.  Now I’m the one with cancer.  How did that happen?  How did my life change so quickly?

And I think about the fact that my cancer is “slow growing” which also means it’s been there for awhile.  Maybe as long as ten years.  Ten years!  I can’t even wrap my brain around that.

It means that while I was running marathons to raise money to fight cancer, I was most likely growing my own cancer in my breast and I had no idea.  I ran two half-marathons a week apart back in October and I had cancer.  I HAD CANCER! That’s crazy.  That is insane.  I need to sit down and catch my breath over that one.

Just…wow.

I called my mom today and she teased me a little about all the responses I have received on Facebook (still can’t believe I posted on Facebook that I have cancer).  See, if my mom had a dollar for every time she heard me say as a kid that no one likes me and I have no friends, she’d have at least a thousand dollars.  “Did you see all those people who care about you?” she asked me.

Yes I did. And I read the emails and the cards (people have sent me cards!) and a couple of my friends brought me flowers and one brought me candy and wine.  And people are offering to make us dinner.  And my friend J has just been a blessing throughout this entire ordeal.  I don’t know what I would do without my friends.

Several friends from far away are offering to come visit!  YES!  Visit me!  I love it.  I miss my far away friends so much.

And one dear friend even went on a wacky adventure with me on Saturday that I will tell you about sometime soon because it’s a really good story that deserves it’s own post.

And yes, I can see that there are people who really truly love me.

And I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I just want you to know that I have felt your prayers, your vibes, your thoughts, your wishes.  And it is such a comfort to know that I have so many people cheering for me because I need it.

I have less than two days before I meet the surgeon and really get this ball rolling and the waiting is stressful and mind blowing and still completely terrifying.  But right now, in this moment the love I have received has brought me a tremendous amount of relief.

Thank you to everyone.  I love you all very much.

Just…WOW.

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2 thoughts on “Wow

  1. Beth….. I am just in shock… I am sitting in my hotel room on a work trip and reading your blog… tears just dripping!! My heart goes out to you and Noelle and the boys! I just cannot believe it… you are such a wonderfully gifted person, mother and in my life a teacher and role model for my children. If anyone can beat cancer, it is YOU! Muster up all of your energy, stubbornness and fight this thing! Please let me know if you need anything… meals, driving to appointments, or just a visit:). We miss seeing your smiling face around Mulberry, Take care and we send all of our love. XOXO Brandy, Matt, Camille & Caelan Begin

    • I think I am still in shock too. Thank you for your kind words, Brandy. I miss seeing all of my Mulberry friends. It seems oddly serendipitous that things unfolded as they did. I was wondering what my next thing was going to be. Looks like I will be spending some time dealing with this. I am going to need all the support I can get. Love you all.

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