Waiting for Savasana


Preparing For the Next Step

As I said in my last post, there is not much I can do for the next couple of weeks but continue to heal from my surgery and get ready for chemo.

Today, I had an echocardiogram.  This very nice woman did an ultrasound of my heart for about half an hour.  I had to hold my breath a lot.

They are checking my heart because that “Red Devil” chemo can be cardiotoxic.  It can damage my heart muscle.

My oncologist has assured me that the dosage will not hurt my heart considering my young age.

It’s funny, all year, I’ve been feeling so old but breast cancer makes me a youngster.  And that’s not exactly a good thing.  But it’s nice to be called young when I feel so very old.

The nice lady doing the ultrasound told me she had a twenty-two year old breast cancer patient in her chamber last week.

Yeah, let that sink in for a minute.

I remember being twenty-two.  So fresh, so lithe, so young.  Breast cancer at twenty-two?  That would suck.

But it all sucks, doesn’t it.  It sucks.

I said before that I am doing everything I can to control this situation and that has included some shop therapy.

This week, I purchased many items to cover myself, multiple scarves, caps, and head wraps, for my soon to be bald head, including a really nifty hair piece that velcros into a baseball cap.  I ordered that one online because it was ten dollars more at the wig store.  Yes, I visited the wig store.  I was a bit underwhelmed.  I actually thought I found a wig I like but after trying it on again with my husband, we both agreed it was a little too Jennifer Aniston circa 1995.  I found another one that may do the job but I keep thinking how hot it’s going to be this summer and that a full on wig is going to be itchy.  Plus there are not many curly options.  I never thought I would say this but I miss my curly hair.  I got a Brazillian Blowout shortly before my diagnosis which I thought I was going to love but I hate it.  My hair seems so limp, so…dead.  I like my curls.  I miss them.  It seems I am going to be missing them for awhile.  Curly full wigs don’t look realistic.  Except for this wig halo thingie I found that you wear under a hat, any hat you want!  The wig store had one in a deep chocolate brown that I mostly like and almost bought but the lady at the wig store is ordering me one with some highlights and another that may be a bit more auburn like my natural hair color.  I am curious to see which one I pick.

My husband is hesitant about the curly wig halo because he is concerned about what would happen if the wind or a child pulled my hat off.  I told him that people would be in for a surprise.  In essence I would look like Larry from the Three Stooges.  IMO I could do a lot worse than looking like Larry.  And I can honestly say that the curly hair halo w/hat looks the most like ME.  And that is important to me.

Isn’t it funny?  I could care less about the boobs but the idea of losing my hair bugs me.  I’m not devastated or anything but it definitely bugs me.

So I’ve spent a little money and I don’t feel bad about it.  I consider it a swap for the money I will not be spending on hair cuts and color and products for the next year or so.  We curly girls like our products, believe me.  I bet in the end I will have saved money!

I also bought stuff to prepare for chemo.  Things like Biotene mouthwash in case I get mouth sores.  Mouth sores. Ugh! My dad had them when he was going through this, it was rough…he handled it and I can too.  I also ordered a big tub of L Glutamine powder that is supposed to help when I get Taxol treatment.  Taxol has a tendency to give folks neuropathy (aka tingling and numbness in the extremities-In the EXTREMITIES!).  I am also stocking up on ice packs because having ice packs on you hands and feet also prevent neuropathy.  I ordered some probiotics because chemo is hard on your intestines and stomach lining. I really hope they help.  I don’t want a sick tummy.  And I bought a big bottle of Claritin because I read that taking it on the day of my Neulasta shot and several days after has been show to decrease bone pain.  People, I do not want bone pain.  Nuh uh.

I take breaks between my research and shopping because I truly don’t want to obsess about this, but it is difficult right now. It’s mostly all I think about.  But there is just so much to do and so much to learn.  If it wasn’t happening to me, I would think this was interesting.  But it is happening to me and it sucks.

I’m still trying to distract myself with comedies.  I’m listening to a hilarious audio book.  Besides the online and offline chemo shopping and the doctor appointments and the being there for my boys, I’m doing ok mostly.

When we were at the drugstore, they had a display of water balloon kits, I bought two and gave them to the boys with the reminder that they needed to pick up the broken bits.  I rested in my room and listened to them laugh, giggle and play together for over an hour with no fighting right outside my door.  It was a lovely sound.  A little savasana?  I think so.

I can not tell you how crazy it is to be healing from surgery knowing that this thing is far from over.  I may not be able to control it all but at least I can say I was prepared.