Waiting for Savasana


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Forgive

Well…that was interesting.

This is going to be a vaguepost.  Please forgive me.

This entire week has been a fiasco and sadly, my children were hurt emotionally.  Fortunately, they both came to us and told us what was going on.  Thank goodness they felt comfortable coming to us and telling us that something was not right.

And we put a stop to it.

And now, it is over.

Am I mad?  Yes, a little but mostly at myself for trusting the wrong person.  Fool me once, and all that.

But I will get over it and they are ok and we will move on.

And I forgive because what else is there to do when it is family?  I forgive.  I encourage my husband and sons to forgive and we all move on.

But people who read this and know me really should know by now that I was fierce as the mama bear before but the mama bear with the big “C”?  Yeah, don’t mess with her not even a little.

I will forgive but when it comes to those two boys, I will not ever back down.  I will always protect them and I will always be on their side.

Now can I tell you how amazing my boys have been?

Sooooo wonderful.  So sweet.  So loving.

Last night at my insistence, my little one came to me for a cuddle.  He was so happy.  He closed his eyes and said, “Mama, I want to hug you so much but I don’t because I don’t want to hurt you.”

Anyone who knows my fierce, passionate little boy knows that this is a huge deal for him.  Restraint.  Wow.  That’s big.

Sometimes, he just walks by me and hugs my head.

And my eldest, oh can I tell you about my eldest?  He is just a remarkable kid.  He stops by for visits.  He  checks on me and he is trying so hard to help out and be strong.  We talk about stuff and he says he feels sad but he tries to keep himself preoccupied doing other stuff.  He’s been keeping me in the know about Minecraft (something I really care to know nothing about but it makes him happy so it makes me happy)  I think that is very wise for him to stay preoccupied.  I am going to try to follow his lead myself.  It is very easy to get caught up in this poopy situation.

Regardless, this cancer stuff makes you grow up.

My friend Natalie recommended a book called “When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children”.  I devoured it.  The book is all about being honest with your kids without scaring the crap out of them or making them feel bad for having feelings.

I love my boys so much.  My one wish is that they can come out of all of this better people, regardless of the outcome.  Really, all I want is for them to be on solid ground.

So one big lesson I learned this week is surround yourself with people who are not crazy and if you make the mistake of doing just that, forgive.  Forgive yourself for allowing crazy and forgive the crazy person because, well, maybe they just can’t help themselves.

I spent a big portion of my teens and twenties acting like a crazy person.  I can honestly tell you it was because I didn’t know any other way to act.   It took a lot of work and yoga and antidepressants and therapy and resolving of issues to be the adorable person I am today. I know what it’s like to be crazy and not know better.  I know what it’s like to do something stupid you can’t take back.

So I forgive.  Even if the person can’t ever forgive me.  I forgive and we move on.

Thanks for following us on this crazy journey.