Waiting for Savasana

A Patient Patient

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You know I have been waiting forever to use that title.

I finished round 2 of Taxol and it was just as rough, if not rougher than round 1.  Blergh.

My oncology nurse told me that they are finding that younger women feel more pain from dose dense Taxol, perhaps because they have younger nerves.

I have no nausea just a lot of pain.

Two days ago, I told my husband that maybe I wouldn’t do round 3 and 4.  I was feeling that bad.  He got worried.

As of today, I will drag my butt to round 3 on Tuesday.  For him.

I am also developing neuropathy despite icing my hands and feet during chemo and taking mega doses of L-glutamine.  It is difficult to walk.  Pains and numb spots in the bottoms of my feet.  Good times.

I am finding it makes it difficult to write thank you notes.  I wrote two yesterday and my hands really hurt.  So that’s my excuse for not writing anymore.

I am trying to be normal but I am finding I need to be patient with myself.  I do not have a lot of energy and I am in a lot of pain.  It makes me a little grumpy.

Last night my little one and I were swinging on our glider swing and we noticed these:

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They are pomegranates.  We have a bush?  Tree?  It looks bushy to me.  Whatever.  We have one in our yard.  We also have a lot of squirrels because there is a large oak tree next door.  Every year, we get a crop and every year, the squirrels get to them before we do.  This year, there appear to be several that are out of reach for the squirrels.  The little one and I got very excited and Daddy came out and took the picture.

We had a great time snuggling in the back yard chatting away.  Until I was told I was hated because I won’t allow him to get a guinea pig.  Oy!

Whatever.

Still not getting a guinea pig…and now there is a price to pay to get back in my good graces.  I told him he has to do five nice things to negate the ugly.  I’m thinking we will start with breakfast in bed…

Here is me with my chubby steroid moon face.

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I don’t know what I can do about it.  It’s the steroids and the Taxol.  They are doing a number on me.  The more water I drink, the puffier I get.  I was given some lasiks to help get the fluid going.  There’s not much more I can do.  This is what I mean about being a patient patient.  I don’t even recognize myself but there is really nothing I can do about it.  I just have to keep on keeping on and get through it until I am a patient no more.

My hubby is so cute.

I’ve mostly stopped looking in mirrors.  Except to draw on my eyebrows, which is something I am surprisingly pretty good at.  Even my husband has commented on my eyebrow skills. And one day, my eldest asked me if my eyebrows had grown back!  I’m that good.  I am quite proud of this because I know people in real life who can’t draw on their own eyebrows (now I want to take them in a bathroom and help them, perhaps this will be my new mission in life…I am looking for one, you know).

Having cancer does not make one an angel or a saint. Snarkety-snark-snark-snark.  I actually wrote a post about that very topic based on my own personal experiences but it is in draft mode because I couldn’t express myself accurately.  Basically, you are just you, with cancer.  I’ve learned this the hard way.  Mostly, I am still nice albeit grumpy but I am no angel.  I can snark with the best of them.  I can also still stand up for myself.  I have not changed one bit.  And for me, that is a very good thing.

At the beginning of this, many of my friends old and new kept calling me feisty, as in “You are the feistiest friend I’ve ever had, you can beat this!”  I think that is saying a lot.  It hasn’t changed and I am feisty.  Ask my children.  Ask my husband!  Ask anybody.

But I am trying to be a patient patient.  Patience was unfortunately never one of my strengths.

Next time I will write about my adventures so far in the world of Radiation Oncology.  But based on our wacky experience on Monday, I am going with the doctor my oncologist initially recommended. Meeting him tomorrow. I hate to leave you hanging (because it is a good story) but it is the middle of the night and I need to try to get some more sleep.

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2 thoughts on “A Patient Patient

  1. Glad to see your smiling faces in the photo. But sad to hear you are in so much pain and discomfort. Hope you have some relief from it before your next treatment.

  2. Thank you Aunt Sandy. Your comments have been so supportive throughout this. It is so nice to let someone know you are in pain and have them respond with compassion. Thank you for all you do.

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