Waiting for Savasana

Upright Mostly


People, I can not tell you how important it is to have an oncologist who listens to you.  My husband and I met with her the evening before the 2nd treatment and gave her the lowdown of our first experience.  She made some adjustments and they seem to have made a huge difference.

Don’t get me wrong, I still got nauseated.  But it didn’t hit me until yesterday, day 4, instead of day 1.  I have not been as weepy or as angsty.  I have not been crazy talking and mean.  I have been really, really, really tired.

Like REALLY tired.

Most of my hair fell out on Wednesday.  I still have wispy pieces that are holding on so I kind of look like Gollum.  I am considering shaving the remainder but have heard about itching and irritation and I really don’t feel like dealing with that on top of everything else.  My head itched like crazy for two weeks before it all came out and it has been a relief to be itch free for a couple of days.  I have been wearing a lot of hats.  Wigs are too hot, itchy and uncomfortable.  I don’t think I am going to be a wig person.

I had some stress.  Some adoptee stress that was purely my issue.  My birth family was in town and my mom is here helping out and even though it has been six years since my reunion, my two families have not met.  And to be honest, I am happy that way.  I was getting very stressed and weepy about the prospect of a meeting the day after I had chemo and we found a solution that worked for me.  I don’t know how well it worked for everyone else but it worked for me and it was what I needed and it relieved a great deal of my stress and anxiety.  And even now it seems crappy of me to feel this way as a 40 year-old grown woman but it is what it is and I could not deal.  I have spent most of my life trying to please everyone around me and it was nice to be nurtured.  I need a lot of nurturing right now.  I am not even close to being as strong as people keep telling me I am.

This is a hard road to walk.  I can feel myself disappearing.  I look in the mirror and I don’t see me.  I don’t know what I see anymore.  I am just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping I make it out with some kind of semblance of myself.

Three months ago, I was at Disneyland.  Where am I now?


4 thoughts on “Upright Mostly

  1. Beth, I wish I had the words to make all of your worry and angst disappear. But, all I have are good thoughts and virtual hugs for you. (We seems to always have a cold here somewhere so I don’t want to visit.)

  2. Where are you now…on a tilt-a-whirl in a house of horrors at a nightmare county fair…all is weird and unfamiliar. And it definitely calls for both lots of screaming and even more gumption. But like the fair with it’s distorted mirrors, it is only temporary and you will soon once again be on familiar ground. And you, yes you, will emerge stronger and wiser with a fresh perspective. But still be wonderful you at your core.

    Your Doctor sounds like a real jewel.. Tiny treasures abound even in our darkest moments.

  3. You are still here. As far as I’m concerned, that is what matters. You are still here, and we love you so much, and it doesn’t matter if you’re strong or not. Just keep Being, and you’re doing what you need to do.

  4. You will get to Disneyland again Beth. Hang in there. And thanks for the updates. SO glad to hear this round was better.

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