This is the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me.

For the past month I have felt the biggest combinations of terror, hope, anger, sadness, disappointment, love, care, and rage.

I have a bone scan tomorrow.  I have a bone scan tomorrow.  I have a freaking bone scan tomorrow.

And then I have a body scan on Thursday.

And I am afraid of what they are going to find.

There is a chance they may find nothing.  Ha!  That would be a laugh.

I feel already like I’m doomed.

People told me that once we had a plan, that I would feel better but now there are new plans, new doubts, new questions because there were just so many lymph nodes involved that it  may be that I am at stage 4 and if I am there, everything is only treatable. Nothing is curable if I’m stage 4.

And it is only treatable for so long.  And then it’s over.

It may take years but this thing, if it’s stage 4, then it essentially over.  Put a fork in me.

If I’m stage 4, I don’t get chemo because what’s the point?

I get hormone therapy and hope it works for as long as it works.

But if I’m stage 3 I get chemo and the works because there is a glimmer of a chance that we can beat this and it won’t come back.

And I won’t know anything until I have my bones scanned and my body scanned and I am terrified to the point where I can barely breathe.

I don’t have choice about any of this.  All I can do is what they tell me to do.

Tomorrow, bright and early, I will get up, pull myself out of bed, get dressed, brush my teeth  and get ready to have my bones scanned for cancer.

And I don’t want to.  I really don’t.

I just want to get the chemo and have hope for a full recovery.

The not knowing is torturous.  The not knowing rips through my head.  I don’t know.  Bones?  Liver? Lungs? Brain? Clear?  Unmeasurable?

I want to get off this ride.

I want to believe that I really will be ok again one day. But really will I ever be ok again?

Sometimes, I play games in my head and tell myself that I deserve this.  That this is punishment.  I don’t say why me?  I just take it because it is what it is.   I hate this cancer.  I hate what it has done to me in just a few short weeks.

But I will pull myself out of that bed tomorrow shaking and crying most likely and I will get in the car and go to the place and get the injections and do the wait and I will get in the machine because what else can I do?

My only option left is to search for the truth, even if I don’t like what I find.