I am currently in a state of shock.  I learned yesterday that I most likely have breast cancer.  I am floored, and scared, and bewildered.  I went to my doctor last Friday because I’ve had some suspicions.  My boobs had been itchy and in the last few weeks, one of my nipples had inverted.  I was mildly concerned but I had a history of inverted nipples before I had my kids.  Well the doctor didn’t like the looks of things and sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound.  I knew when the lady doing the mammogram came back in and wanted more pictures. “The doctor wants a better look at… you.  A better look at you.”  She stammered.

Oh man.  I knew there was going to be trouble after that.  And there is.  A mass under the nipple.  The radiologist did a biopsy right there.

This sucks.  It just does.

I’ve cried.  My husband has cried.  We’re just waiting for the pathology report but I can tell from the preliminaries that it is not good.

How am I going to tell my boys that I have cancer?

And I am mad at myself for postponing a mammogram.  I turned forty last summer.  I went for my physical.  I went in to schedule the mammogram but was unsure how to work it into my schedule.  And then I kept postponing it because of work and my boys’ schedules and being busy.  Plus I did the self checks and my doctor had checked me too and found nothing.  She even checked me on Friday and found nothing.  It was right under that nipple.  It was hiding.

I figured there is an eight month difference between when I should have gotten the mammogram and when I finally got it.  I just hope those eight months don’t cost me my life.

My emotions are a roller coaster right now.  I don’t see myself getting off the roller coaster any time soon.

This really sucks.